Often, people blame ‘business’ as an excuse to pause or even stop improving themselves in aspects besides work. Personality, physical and mental health, internal values, relationships, and habits. Unfortunately, it has come to own realisation, that I am one of those people.
It’s a cycle.
To feel better about myself, I’ve been keeping myself busy for the past 8 months. If I’m not working, then I am “unproductive”. Therefore, the only way to feel confident or secure about myself is to work. Then, work some more.
I officially paused my habit tracker around September this year, when I saw that I was unable to consecutively fix my own bed every morning, for at 5 days straight. And that hit me hard.
I write or reflect on myself, every now and then. I’d give appreciation to the people around me, unconditionally. But I stopped everything else that made me proud of the person I am, Caitlin without work. My musical talent, my love for words, my 6-day workout routines, eating healthy meals, small habits, and most of all. I failed to appreciate her. Me. I’d put off growth, because I was ‘busy.’ If you stop working for even a day, you’d lose so much. And I don’t want to be remembered as Caitlin, the “workaholic”. I wanted to be remembered as something else entirely.
For the longest time, my weakness has always been pleasing people. This never-ending desire to ‘help’ people in any possible way. To be inspiring, the way my mentor, my idols, and all these amazing writers have been inspiring to me. And each time, I would see myself as absolutely useless or ugly, my self-confidence would plummet. The cycle would begin again.
For years, I’ve been told by people of how amazing a person I am. Which is nice. I hear kind words. Mature for her age. Wise. Good with words. Musically gifted. Artist. Hardworking. Great friend. Great listener. Trustworthy. And these words given by those who believe in me, when I don’t, have made me stronger. Now I think, that the greatest improvement, would be to genuinely offer these words to myself. To believe in them.
Fridays are important. Sundays are important.
Mornings are important. Evenings are important.
To rest. To heal. To reflect.
Not everyday is about becoming better at work. There are days, you need to allocate to become more comfortable with your own skin. To become better in life.
caitdegreat 