Because I’ve not yet achieved the art of being totally unemotionally attached (actually, far from it), it’s come to my realisation that all my life I subconsciously surround myself with people who are stronger than I am.
I’m not talking about resiliency or determination or even the power of dreaming. I’d like to think I have a lot of those. This is about the heart’s strength. Mind strength. Not being affected by how others see or talk to me. Not taking things personally.
As a teenager, I’ve always been weak. It was a mix of middle child syndrome, being the only girl among my siblings, and feeling as if anything I did would never be enough for my parents. I’ve always thought my parents would love me, if I did my best at academics, and graduated with honors. When I did and received no feedback, I’d fall back to becoming ‘sensitive’ not knowing that all my parents wanted was simply for me to open up to them and love them as well.
I remember it all changed after I graduated college, which was also the time my heart was at its weakest point. My mom was not proud of me, and even badmouthed me in front of relatives. My first love rejection. And I was blaming my heartache all on them. I was trying to ignore the hurt. It was at that time, my best friend and mentor told me this, you think you’ll never overcome this but you will. Think of it as the final battle, and they are the final boss. Only you know how to beat them, and once you do, you can beat anybody. He told me I was weak, and I had to be stronger. That time, I couldn’t imagine a future that I could be strong.
A couple of years later, my mom and I share almost anything with each other. I now admire her for being one of the strongest people I know. My first love, remains as one of my best friends.
How? It was simple. I started to listen. Without feelings. With proper judgment. People criticized me, not because they did not like me, but because I was a work in progress. A girl growing to a lady. A child whose world was expanding, and therefore, had more and more to learn. It was important for me to stop ignoring the pain, and start listening.
I still have a terribly weak heart. It’s weak to those who matter most, I realised. I also have weak moments. Still fueled by emotion, still hurting. I’ve a long way to go, but looking back now I can see that my heart, and my mind have changed even a little bit. It’s a bit stronger now.
caitdegreat 