Author: caitdegreat

How to Have A Strong Heart

by caitdegreat, posted in All Posts, Mindfulness, Others

Because I’ve not yet achieved the art of being totally unemotionally attached (actually, far from it), it’s come to my realisation that all my life I subconsciously surround myself with people who are stronger than I am. 

I’m not talking about resiliency or determination or even the power of dreaming. I’d like to think I have a lot of those. This is about the heart’s strength. Mind strength. Not being affected by how others see or talk to me. Not taking things personally. 

As a teenager, I’ve always been weak. It was a mix of middle child syndrome, being the only girl among my siblings, and feeling as if anything I did would never be enough for my parents. I’ve always thought my parents would love me, if I did my best at academics, and graduated with honors. When I did and received no feedback, I’d fall back to becoming ‘sensitive’ not knowing that all my parents wanted was simply for me to open up to them and love them as well. 

I remember it all changed after I graduated college, which was also the time my heart was at its weakest point. My mom was not proud of me, and even badmouthed me in front of relatives. My first love rejection. And I was blaming my heartache all on them. I was trying to ignore the hurt. It was at that time, my best friend and mentor told me this, you think you’ll never overcome this but you will. Think of it as the final battle, and they are the final boss. Only you know how to beat them, and once you do, you can beat anybody. He told me I was weak, and I had to be stronger. That time, I couldn’t imagine a future that I could be strong. 

A couple of years later, my mom and I share almost anything with each other. I now admire her for being one of the strongest people I know. My first love, remains as one of my best friends. 

How? It was simple. I started to listen. Without feelings. With proper judgment. People criticized me, not because they did not like me, but because I was a work in progress. A girl growing to a lady. A child whose world was expanding, and therefore, had more and more to learn. It was important for me to stop ignoring the pain, and start listening.

I still have a terribly weak heart. It’s weak to those who matter most, I realised. I also have weak moments. Still fueled by emotion, still hurting. I’ve a long way to go, but looking back now I can see that my heart, and my mind have changed even a little bit. It’s a bit stronger now.

Project Caitlin

by caitdegreat, posted in All Posts

Often, people blame ‘business’ as an excuse to pause or even stop improving themselves in aspects besides work. Personality, physical and mental health, internal values, relationships, and habits. Unfortunately, it has come to own realisation, that I am one of those people.

It’s a cycle. 

To feel better about myself, I’ve been keeping myself busy for the past 8 months. If I’m not working, then I am “unproductive”. Therefore, the only way to feel confident or secure about myself is to work. Then, work some more. 

I officially paused my habit tracker around September this year, when I saw that I was unable to consecutively fix my own bed every morning, for at 5 days straight. And that hit me hard. 

I write or reflect on myself, every now and then. I’d give appreciation to the people around me, unconditionally. But I stopped everything else that made me proud of the person I am, Caitlin without work. My musical talent, my love for words, my 6-day workout routines, eating healthy meals, small habits, and most of all. I failed to appreciate her. Me.  I’d put off growth, because I was ‘busy.’ If you stop working for even a day, you’d lose so much. And I don’t want to be remembered as Caitlin, the “workaholic”. I wanted to be remembered as something else entirely. 

For the longest time, my weakness has always been pleasing people. This never-ending desire to ‘help’ people in any possible way. To be inspiring, the way my mentor, my idols, and all these amazing writers have been inspiring to me. And each time, I would see myself as absolutely useless or ugly, my self-confidence would plummet. The cycle would begin again.

For years, I’ve been told by people of how amazing a person I am. Which is nice. I hear kind words. Mature for her age. Wise. Good with words. Musically gifted. Artist. Hardworking. Great friend. Great listener. Trustworthy. And these words given by those who believe in me, when I don’t, have made me stronger. Now I think, that the greatest improvement, would be to genuinely offer these words to myself. To believe in them. 

Fridays are important. Sundays are important. 

Mornings are important. Evenings are important.

To rest. To heal. To reflect. 

Not everyday is about becoming better at work. There are days, you need to allocate to become more comfortable with your own skin. To become better in life. 

Firsts, Feeling Hopeless, Making Money and Starting Again

by caitdegreat, posted in All Posts

I realized, I haven’t been writing a lot because 1) I’ve nothing spectacular to share and 2) lately I’ve been feeling that whatever I write won’t be ‘perfect’ enough for anyone to read. The idea of having my thoughts out in public (to people I know), rather to myself, actually does pressure me. 

But I’m writing because I feel like both 1 and 2 are now irrelevant. Here’s what happened this year. 

Days before my birthday, I’ve been feeling excited to leave the year behind and officially say goodbye. The night before I turned 25 years old, I reflected (cause what is caitdegreat without a little reflection) about year 24. And in one word, 24 was a dream. Literally. It was a year of a lot of important firsts. My first job offer. My first job. My first paycheck. My first boss. First successful project. First work failure. The first time I went on a date. My first boyfriend. First time meeting his family and friends. First kiss. First fight. First breakup. First heartbreak. The first time I started my own business, which lead to a series of different businesses. The first time I realized how to make money on my own. 

Thinking back, I can’t believe all this happened in 12 months, or even shorter. But they happened. It wasn’t a dream. They all just sort of fell in line, and were one by one happening before I could choose to say stop.

The thing is, I didn’t imagine the year 24 to be like this. I’m sure everyone had plans changing mid-flight, and I am just one of those people. Around April, I felt lost. I left my first job, tried and failed to start a clothing store, and I wasn’t sure what was next. June, at what I consider to be my lowest point, I thought of how I was turning 25 soon and had nothing. I lost everything important to me, my love, and even my dreams. 

Looking back, June to September, I was earning the most I’ve ever earned in my life, with proper guidance from my parents. Yet, I was still so depressed with myself, because society thinks that if you’re not employed, you should be studying or doing something “important”. 

Around May, when I stopped receiving salary monthly, I decided to make my own salary by taking advantage of both the situation, and my resources. I was my own one-man team. There were hard days I wanted to quit and give up, but my mom would tell me to make hay while the sun still shines. And even if I did want to stop, for some reason, the business would not let me go. I’m not saying starting a business is easy, it’s not. And I wish I could take all the credit, but I wouldn’t be where I am, if it wasn’t for my mom. 

A word of advice, to make money you only need 3 things: 

1. A dream

2. The drive

3. Support

The rest will follow.

We should always find meaning in everything we do. Which, I only realized a little bit before I turned 25 years old. But, better late than ever. I always think about what my mentor slash papa once told me before, ‘right now, it won’t make sense – but when the time comes that it does, you’ll realize why things happened the way they did.’

I am grateful most especially towards my mom, who helped me when I didn’t know where to go. 

I’ve been thinking lately of how wonderful life really is. 

It’s not easy to start again. But it’s really simple and I can’t believe I only realized it now. If you just believe in yourself – there’s a lot of amazing things you can do.