Is the ‘hustle’ culture really ok?

I have an illness.

I’ve struggled with productivity and perfectionism, for as long as I can remember. Something that has affected my life, drastically.

If I’m not productive, I’m not worthy.

If I can’t perfect a task, I procrastinate.

If I don’t accomplish my goals, then I quit.

I’m afraid of letting people down.

An ongoing cycle.

Like every illness, it started out as a symptom. There was always something off about not getting that perfect score. In college, something devastating, about not being above average. At work, something unacceptable, not being able to contribute to my maximum potential. I’ve cried, lost a lot of weight, changed courses, quit my job, surprised and disappointed the people I care about. I’ve caused eyebrow-raises, statements of ‘that was fast,’ and questions of ‘so where to next?’

When I was unemployed last year for a good 6 months – I became so insecure about myself. It was then I decided to work extra hard at a very uncertain time. I tried out small businesses (some of which did not flourish as I would’ve hoped, some which did), and I was earning more money than I’ve ever earned in my life. It felt good. The productivity. The hustle. The achievements.

For a while.

But I still couldn’t find meaning in what I was doing. I was afraid of instability. I sought labels and promotions. I let society pressure me into finding employment, causing me to leave behind what I started on my own. Thinking employment would finally grant me happiness and meaning.

This spiraled me into having at least 5 breakdowns in a month. I stopped eating. I either could not sleep, or overslept. My anxiety was at its peak. All because I felt, even with an amazing new job, team, and a sideline – I was not hustling enough.

I quit again.

And I decided, to change.

I’ve been talking to my parents more lately, ever since I opened up to them about my struggles. I was surprised to learn from my mom, that majority of her life, she too hustled. My father even more so (to the point my parents never had a honeymoon). Now, at 58 years old, already have lived 3/4th’s of life, my mom thinks back and wishes she’d explored more during her youth

I’ve started writing again.

I’m slowing down. I’m setting goals. I’m finding my purpose. I’m researching and learning everything my heart put on hold.

I’m trusting the process.

I’m sharing my experience, because you can get burnt out at 25. A gentle reminder to people who’ve struggled with this type of culture, that there is no long-term meaning and fulfillment in overdoing productivity.

Find what you love and do it. Talk to your friends. Spend time with your family, with your significant others. Play with your pets. Protect your mind. Follow your heart.

Cause why wait to realize at 58 years old, hustling is not what life’s about.